Unforgiven
by Eon Penumbra
Summary: To forgive is to forget. If that's the case, I don't want to be forgiven. I don't want to give up everything you meant to me.  Cloud's thoughts on his past and future after the defeat of Kadaj and Sephiroth. Cloud x Aerith, Oneshot.


_I want… to be forgiven…_

Cloud cursed himself, cursed his foolish words as he looked out on Midgar from the hill where Zack's old Buster Sword rusted. He sat next to the impromptu grave marker, his eyes starting out towards the city, and at the same time they were looking elsewhere, far beyond into nothingness.

He'd told Aerith that the wanted to be forgiven. Forgiveness was the _last_ thing he wanted.

To forgive was to forget. To forgive was to move on, to leave things behind. He didn't want to leave his memories of Aerith behind. He couldn't bear to part with that piece of her spirit that always comforted him, yet tormented him with its very presence.

He knew of Zack's love for her; of her feelings for him even five years after he'd died. Only a fool wouldn't have seen the sparkle in Zack's eyes when he spoke of her, or felt the sorrow that radiated from Aerith when she spoke of him after his death. Everything she'd seen in Cloud had been because he reminded her of Zack. It made him feel hollow; the fact that the person she'd known hadn't even been his true personality just compounded the feeling. The feeling cut so deep it even made him _resent_ Zack.

Still, he never wanted to let go of her. Laying her to rest in the Forgotten City had been the hardest act of his life, no matter how at ease he'd seemed on the outside. No matter how much she irritated him at times he couldn't help but smile and laugh at her quirky and cheerful nature. He remembered her seemingly constant half-smile, her love of flowers and the way she seemingly cared about every being in the world. He could see the deadly dance she preformed when wielding her staff and the sparkle in her emerald eyes when she laughed in his mind's eye, even now. She was steel and strength from a harsh life in Midgar, and at the same time soft and sweet like a flower. She was truly a flower grown in the slums. She was unforgettable to him.

Cloud sighed, closing his eyes and slowly opening them again. Aerith had told him once that she felt alone, even though they were all her friends. Though it had gone unspoken, Zack had filled that void once, a void that returned even larger after his death. Cloud had made up his mind then; _he_ would fill the void in heart.

To say that he'd failed was to understate the situation so much it was nearly a lie. _He_ had sent Aerith to her death at Sephiroth's hands by attacking her that day. _He_ had arrived too late to stop her death. _He_ had given that monster the means to destroy the world she'd died to protect. He'd even been the reason Aerith had joined their group in the first place. His every action had led her to her death, and all he could ask was to be _forgiven_? It sickened Cloud that he wanted to forgive himself before he could even do anything for her. He was so selfish it made him gag.

His love for her was so chaste, so false, and so twisted that it would've driven him mad had he been alone. And yet, he had wanted it more than anything else in the world. Maybe it was because he was already insane.

The people called him a hero. The ignorant masses believed in him more than anything. He was the new Sephiroth, their new beacon of hope and indomitable defender. Cloud chuckled darkly at that. He _was_ the new Sephiroth, but not for any positive reason. He was every bit as broken as twisted as the ex-General of SOLDIER; a monster who had turned his back on everything that he had believed in. A fool who had let himself lose the woman he'd loved.

Sometimes, Cloud wondered why he kept going; why he still tried to live in a world he despised. It made no sense, and at the same time it was so simple and obvious: he lived in the world because _Aerith_ had loved it.

He'd smile for Tifa, put on a brave face for Marlene and Denzel, accept the praise and love of the people, and stay in touch with his friends; all of it was only because the world she'd loved was all he had left of her. To live out the rest of his life defending a world he hated was recompense for the sin of letting her die, and letting her go.

Cloud stood, his blond bangs falling into his eyes and shading them as the sun poked through the clouds, a ray of light falling on one of the flowers that had begun to grown in the wastelands around Midgar. He smiled bitterly; this was her sign to him that what he was doing now was right. He raised his face to the sky, letting the light softly grace his skin.

_I don't wanna be forgiven. To forgive myself is to forget everything you meant to me._

_To forgive myself is to forget my love for you._


End file.
